Letter to Annalisa

Hi Annalisa,

Being engaged is frightening and at the same time it's relaxing. I like it in that I don't worry about having to deal with other men. I show them the ring and they back off.

It is frightening when I think of having kids though. I don't want to lose all my free time. Children are loving and they are worth the trouble. However, I would like to have a life outside of them. I've made this clear to Brian. I want to have a life outside of them for my sanity and so that they can see that a parent can and should do that (so that when they are adults they can have the same thing if that's what they want). I don't feel like my mom had a life outside of me and my brothers. It made her unhappy in a way. My mom wanted to go to school...then I came along and that was thrown out the window. My mom wanted to skate more...then I came along and that got thrown out the window. My dad always had something outside me and my bros b/c he worked outside the home in a stimulating job. My mom um...drove a bus. I'd like to have my life with a family look more like it did for my dad. I'd like my kids to see both of their parents happy and fulfilled both in their lives in relation to their children and professional development. Some part of me is afraid that I'll end up unhappy and stuck at home feeling caged. My fears are very much calmed by the fact that I've told Brian how I feel and he's has assured me more than once that he doesn't intend, in any way, to abandon me with MOST OF THE RESPONSIBILITY concerning kids.

It is also a little initmidating to promise that I'll send the rest of my life with Brian. But my love of him and my feeling of wanting to commit to being with him lessens that fear a lot.

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. by Steve Harvey

I'm not going to give this book my attention except to explain why the first page has turned me off to the whole book.

The first page reads as such: "There is no truer statement: men are simple. Get this into your head first, and everything you learn about us in this book will begin to fall into place. Once you get that down, you'll have to understand a few essential truths: men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make. No matter if a man is a CEO, a CON, or both, and everything he doe is filtered through his title (who he is), how he gets that title (what he does), and the reward he gets for the effort (how much he makes). These three things make up the basic DNA of manhood--the three accomplishments every man must achieve before he feels he's truly fulfilled his destiny as a man. And until he's acheived his goal in those three areas, the man you're dating, committed to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you."

Oh my God...where do I start?

I don't like the condescending tone of the passage. I'm smart and I can probably understand a guy as well as he could. I would have to if I'm a heterosexual woman b/c....I'd have to be able to have a successful relationship with a man if that's what I desire! Harvey speaks to me as though I didn't know that people are often driven by those three things. So if men are driven by those three things, what does Harvey think women are driven by? The fact that he's speaking to women as though this were a new concept to them tells me that he undoubtedly believes women need different things in order to "focus" on their spouses. By the way, what kind of lame-ass turd would marry and woman and then not "focus" on the relationship? If that's how all men are, then why would any woman be interested in them at all? Answer that Mr. Harvey.

Here's some advice from Cat Pirrello. If he's "too busy" to focus on the relationship, get the hell out of it.

I also think it's ridiculous to say that men are genetically designed to want those things. Those things are cultural things. They're programmed to want those things after birth.

I think what bothers me the most about Harvey's book is that it assumes that men are fundamentally different. I bet you Harvey has never had a woman's perspective on that subject since he's not a woman. How the hell would he know how I think of men to begin with? He's "answering" questions which I never asked. That tells me he's not in the minds of women either.

If "men are simple", does that mean I'm complicated? And what does "complicated" mean to Harvey?

On page 79, he writes about "Sports fish vs. keepers". What is the implication here? Why am I being compared to a fish? Not very tactful Mr. Harvey. I'm a human remember?

"1. A woman who commands respect is a keeper; a woman who lets men get away with disrespecting her is a throwback". It's not fair to men for him to make the generalization that men are this shallow. I do not believe all men are hateful. I know of at least a few anomalies for his blanket statement. It is a crude statement because it implies that men will take advantage of women who don't "command respect" every chance they get. It forgets that there are decent men in the world also who will know to be respectful regardless of how much the woman respects herself.

"7. A woman who knows she wants to be married and raise a family and lets a man know this up front is a keeper; a woman who doesn't have a plan for her relationship life beyond next weekend is a throwback". I guess his definition of a "keeper" is a woman who deserves a man's love. A "throwback" must be a woman who men feels is not deserving of their love and attention. According to this definition though, I'm a "throwback". So, in other words, if a woman is not sure if she wants to be forever tied to a man and children, she is not deserving of any man's love and attention. This assertion of his would probably not sit right with couples who have no kids.

And, referring to a women who don't necessarily want to be tied to a men and children as a "throwbacks" is disrespectful to all women. Women are women regardless of whether they want nuclear families.

I cannot keep reading this. I'm going to vomit.

He didn't do his homework and people are going to read this stuff trusting that he knows what he's talking about. I'm going to contact "Bitch" magazine. Someone needs to publish something to refute him. Mybe it should be me. I just don't know if I can stomach the rest of the book! Otherwise, people are going to interpret this as the only truth.

4-13-09

The kid question as of 4-13-09:
Should I have them or not have them?

Pro:
They're someone to love and who will love me back.

Argument against it:
So are all the other children in the world who already exist. And, there are many people in the world who are not children who need love and/or care of some sort.

Brings the question...Why do people want to love children specifically? What is it about children that would be more fulfilling than spending one's life and efforts on adults?

Pro:
They're my genetic material.

Argument against it:
So are all the other children in the world who already exist. Unless I'm blind and they're actually all zebras. I thought that human meant that they're already very closely gentically related to me.

So far, it seems that the best argument for having one's own children is that they give a lot of joy to their parents. That's all fine and good. What gives joy to one person may not give joy to another. Then again, I'm pretty damn sure that if I had a child, I would find joy in him/her no matter what. I have a tendency to do what needs to be done. If I had a child who needed to be loved then, GDI, that's what I would do. And I wouldn't look back. But there's the rub. I don't have a child. I can choose whether or not I want to love them. They, of course, don't get to choose that.

But why love them instead of someone else? Why not love a child who is already here? Why do people tend to want children sprung from their own loins? I don't understand exactly why people care who's body it comes out of. It feels like everyone else is understanding something that I'm just missing.

If I had no child, that would be fine also...or maybe not. I don't know. I know that I'd certainly want to have a mom like me. LOL. But then again, I'm biased aren't I?

Would a child not born of me give me any less joy and/or love than a child born from another woman? That's a question I don't know the answer to. I don't even know how to obtain that answer. Better question: Would it be my own self that obstructs me from loving a child not born directly from me?

Would I regret not having a child born of me?
To say that I could not (or that the child) could not be loved as much by me (or me by them) because they were not born directly from my body is to admit something which I don't know if I like.

I don't think there's anything wrong with people's feelings. Some people have suggested to me that it's just "feelings". It's just the way people wants things. They just want their "own". What does that mean?!

Would I like for my child to look like me? Yes. Would I like to be able to carry a child? Ironically...yes. lol.

But...

Do I need the child to look lik me? I don't know. It seems rather silly that that would be the reason why I'd want to have a biological child. Do I need to be able to carry a biological child? LOL. Any woman who has given birth would probably give me an emphatic "Hell no!".

So then what is left over? Why would I need or want a biological child outside of those reasons? The only thing left over is what I'm guessing is in the language people use to refer to biological children. The say "my own". Somehow, biological children are claimed more by their parents. I don't understand this. Why would I be unable to claim an orphan? I know, of course, that I'd claim a biological child. There would be no trouble taking responsibility for him/her since...I brought him/her into existence. But, while they're in a realm of possibility, I could just as easily not claim them. Hence the reason my mind and heart are duking it out (viciously I might add).

So the fact that biologically born children are more closely related genetically to their biological parents is the reason why people want them? What is it about genetics then? Why are people hell-bent on that? What difference does it make if the child is closer or farther apart genetically?

As long as the child is human, wouldn't that be enough to claim them if they needed to be claimed?

Pro:
I would know all the health stuff relating to a child born of me. I would know him/her intimately before birth and would be able to be somewhat in control of the gestation period.

Argument against it:
Yep. So did the woman who carried a child I could adopt. I'm not in control of anything. Pretending that I am in control is ludicrous. My child could be born with deformities and with major health issues no matter how healthy and cautious I am. The fact that an orphan's parents are not in a position to care for them does not mean that the child cannot be cared for by other parents.

Con:
Orphans usually have lots of problems.

Argument against it:
That would be a reason to gravitate toward them. A need must be met. The fact that they have problems, does not mean that they should be the state's problem or that they should be without parents.

Ave Maris Stella 4-6-09

Ave, maris stella (From Wikipedia)

Despite the Male trinity mentioned at the end (insert a cringe), this is an awesome song.

Ave maris stella,
Déi mater alma,
atque semper virgo,
félix caeli porta.
Hail, star of the sea,
Nurturing Mother of God,
And ever Virgin
Happy gate of Heaven.

Sumens illud «Ave»
Gabriélis ore,
funda nos in pace,
mutans Evae nomen.
Receiving that "Ave"
From the mouth of Gabriel,
Establish us in peace,
Transforming the name of "Eva"
(The word "Hail" in Latin [Ave] is the reverse spelling of the Latin for "Eve" [Eva].)

Solve vincla reis,
profer lumen caecis,
mala nostra pelle,
bona cuncta posce.
Loosen the chains of the guilty,
Send forth light to the blind,
Our evil do thou dispel,
Entreat (for us) all good things.

Monstra te esse matrem,
sumat per te precem
qui pro nobis natustulit esse tuus.
Show thyself to be a Mother:
Through thee may he receive prayer
Who, being born for us,
Undertook to be thine own.

Virgo singuláris,
inter omnes mitis,
nos culpis solútosmites fac et castos.
O unique Virgin,
Meek above all others,
Make us, set free from sins,
Meek and chaste.

Vitam praesta puram,
iter para tutum,
ut vidéntes Iesumsemper collaetémur.
Bestow a pure life,
Prepare a safe way:
That seeing Jesus,
We may ever rejoice.

Sit laus Deo Patri,
summo Christo decus,
Sprítui Sanctohonor,
tribus unus. Amen.
Praise be to God the Father,
To the Most High Christ glory,
To the Holy Spirit
(Be) honor, to the Three equally. Amen.

Answer lyrics (Sarah McLachlan)

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break,
I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break,
I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

From "For Her Own Good" by B. Ehrenreich and D. English

This is quoted in a book I'm reading. Time to record it. It's an old Victorian poem.

"Her soul, that once with pleasure shook
Did any eyes her beauty own,
Now wonders how they dare to look
On what belongs to him alone;
The indignity of taking gifts
Exhilarates her loving breast;
A rapture of submission lifts
Her life into celestial rest;
There's nothing left of what she was;
Back to the babe the woman dies,
And all the wisdom thats he has
Is to love him for being wise."

And Olive Schreiner's bitchslap for it:

"...a woman who has sold herself, even for a ring and a new name, need hold her skirt aside for no creature in the street. They both earn their bread in one way."

Randon happy thought from last night

I was thinking last night before going to sleep (as is usually the case). But I was blessed with a happy thought right before I dreamed about something so awful that I won't regurgitate it in any form besides thought.

So I guess it evens out.

I thought about something Brian said to me the other day. He said that he wanted someone who would care about being fit. I never mentioned that I tend to have the opposite issue. I'll work out even when it's not wise to do so. In Korea, I came to grips with the fact that I have a chemical addiction to cardio work outs. There were times in Korea when I couldn't run. I would go sometimes for 2 weeks without a run. I began to break down mentally. I sometimes worry what will happen and whether or not I'll be able to transition gracefully from a life where I can jog to a more sedentary existence in my elder years.

I missed the "high" that accompanies jogging. I missed the whole experience of feeling my feet hitting the ground rhythmically and my lungs contracting and expanding with effort. I missed the feeling of breathing in the air and pushing it out. I missed the warm sensation in my body and the intensified physical experience of the natural world around me while I was jogging. I didn't realize how important it was to my psyche to have that because I had always thought that it would be impossible for me to become addicted to something that actually takes effort.

Then I thought about how jogging was the only thing besides singing that helped me maintain a sense of connection to myself when I was so far away from anything familiar. That rhythm and pulsing in my legs and arms and the breathing are all the same no matter where on earth I go. I was feeding my body different food and everything else felt so different that I might as well have been looking at the world through its photo "negatives", but my body still knew how to feel the same while running.

When I was jogging also, I could smell the river and the trees. It is more difficult to smell them when walking. I missed natural smells since the air in Korea was fouled by China's yellow air.

There was one day I remember vividly. It rained hard while I was jogging. I laughed because I was flashing the few other people on the trail by the river as I jogged because I wore my white t-shirt. As the river began to flood, I found myself jogging in puddles more often than not. I was drenched, but I was soooo happy. Every step was interesting because each puddle had a different depth. There were almost no people except for me on the path. The rock bridges were all flooding. It was Cat, her legs, sweat, and warm rain. No humans! (except for me of course).

I felt veiled by the dark gray sky, the trees, and the tons and tons of rain. I pretended that I was alone even though I'm pretty sure, people may have been looking out from the sky rises, which had big windows, thinking "What the hell is that girl doing? Has she lost her marbles? The river is flooding fast." Except, they'd be thinking it in the Korean language. There were too many people in Korea. I felt crowded most of the time.

I just kept going that day because it was the first good run that I had had for awhile. I had so much to think about. There were lots of stressful and unusual concerns. But if I was running, then I could breathe it out and then breathe it back in with more confidence that I'd be able to get through it. It's like I was pushing it all out into the air, asking the trees to clean it off so that I could deal with it, and then breathing it back in. Hmmm. Therapy?

I went to the place where I'd usually stop and go back to my tiny-ass apartment, but on that day I didn't. I went onto the rocks as they flooded and went right out to the center. I sat down and let the rain hit my forehead and shoulders. It felt very good. When I propped myself on the rock as it flooded, I felt the warm river waters part at the base of my back. I don't think it was the cleanest river in the world. But I wanted to be immersed in the natural world for awhile. It did not feel dirty to let the natural elements talk to me. Since the rain is so persistent there, I thought I'd cave in and listen for awhile. My efforts were well-rewarded.

Constant change is part of everything, but I saw it most vividly in the natural world in Korea. She never seems to rest. At night, Koreans are all awake. They don't go to bed until late. She has to deal with that. She barely has enough time to dust herself off and be clean and ready for the next day. The early mornings were not restful there. I usually like early mornings because they're still and it's fun to be there when anything good begins. Korea's land just seemed tired. She smelled like work and pollution and seemed to be still struggling to wind down when the morning was just beginning. She's not getting enough sleep.

Or, judging by the way I've written this, maybe I'm the one who isn't getting enough sleep. I sound like I've been hallucinating.

Daffodil poem by Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

-William Wordsworth

Thoughts from UU Service on 2-15-09

During UU service today, I was thinking. One of the poems in the order of service was this one by Peter Mayer.

"In the ever-shifting water of the river of this life I was swimming, seeking comfort;
I was wrestling waves to find
A boulder I could cling to, a stone to hold me fast
Where I might let the fretful water of this river 'round me pass
And so I found an anchor, a blessed resting place
A trusty rock I called my savior, for there I would be safe
From the river and its dangers, and I proclaimed my rock divine
And I prayed to it "protect me" and the rock replied...

God is a river, not just a stone
God is a wild, raging rapids
And a slow, meandering flow
God is a deep and narrow passage
And a peaceful, sandy shoal
God is the river, swimmer
So let go

Still I clung to my rock tightly with conviction in my arms
Never looking at the stream to keep my mind from thoughts of harm
But the river kept on coming, kept on tugging at my legs
Till at last my fingers faltered, and I was swept away
So I'm going with the flow now, these relentless twists and bends
Acclimating to the motion, and a sense of being led
And this river's like my body now, it carries me along
Through the ever-changing scenes and by the rocks that sing this song"

I wanted to know the direction I should take because I was confused with where my life was going. A series of events which included lots of suffering convinced me that I should just give up and do the things that I feel will serve those who are suffering around me. I thought I had all these lofty cerberal ideas of what I would do with myself. Then I entered the world outside academia and POOF! That went out the window and I had to be face to face with the rest of the world outside the college much more often. I was concerned that I was in a world that was suffering so much that "higher endeavors" would have to wait until the suffering subsided a little. My life, talents, and energy would simply have to be used up on "fixing" all the brokeness around me. I lamented that maybe this is a "waste" and that the next generations might have more luck being able to focus on the really important stuff. I was mistaken when I thought that the suffering I had acknowledged since I was very young (like mental illness, lack of basic rights and liberties, violence in the home, lack of education) were things I couldn't do much about and that I was not meant to do anything about it because it is not where my exertise is.

My friend Rachel Stangle said that to be poor is a "priviledged" existence. While I find her statement to be a little bit funny, I also hear some truth in it. I think she was referring to suffering in general more than poverty itself. Suffering sucks. On the other hand, it is great at redirecting people to what's important and away from what's fake.

When I'm dealing with men and relationships, maybe I can let go and allow some suffering to happen. I've played it safe a lot up until recently. I don't like venturing into places that I can't read about. When I'm trying to love a guy, there aren't any books about him or manuals. There also aren't any books about me which will let me know exactly when I'm about to hurt my dumbass.

There have been times when I felt I had nothing else. I depended completely on others to shield me from what I thought might be the end of the world. When I meet those people, I realize that at the "end of the world" are people that I love. When my world was ending in NY, I found Anne Beck. Maybe if I let go myself be with all the fears, assumptions, and mistakes that I have about men, I'll find someone there also.

Of course, since I am starting to get to know someone. I naturally apply any and all information I can to what is going on with him. Last time I was with a guy, I was afraid of just letting myself feel stuff. I was always judging my emotions thinking that I should feel this way or that. And love is supposed to be this way or that. Now, I think that maybe it might be wise to just acknowledge all the assumptions and confusions I have about relationships and just allow it. I thought everyone was just figuring stuff out faster. Brian said something that made me aware that he's sometimes felt that way also. He said something like "I wondered what everyone else was 'getting' that I wasn't 'getting'". Everyone was dating and then there's me looking at it all with a very judgemental (and lonely) eye saying "Are you all on crack!?"

So, I see a challenge before me. I need to avoid the inclination to grab onto something solid or safe when I'm with someone I want to develop a relationship with. It seems so innocent when it's in words. When it's done though, it feels like the first time someone let go of me in the swimming pool while trying to get me to swim. Except for the fact that now I seem to be in the Grand Rapids and there are no flotation devices of any sort (except for carcasses that have been dead long enough to float back to the top).

An effect of Korea...continued

Last week, I saw the woman in my dentist's building again. I chatted with her for awhile. I asked her if Americans generally behave well or shamefully towards her. She said that most of the time, we are good. There are some times when we are rude to her because of her accent.

She also said that her life is good here. She said she works hard. The inflection in her voice indicated that she is glad to have work. Maybe work was not easy for her to find in the other country. She's been here for about a decade and seemed amused when I asked her if her accent was Russian. It is not Russian. lol. I don't even know where she is from, but I caught her off guard when I asked her these questions. She seemed pleasantly surprised that I inquired.

How immigrant-friendly is this immigrant-based culture? My guess is that it's probably more immigrant-friendly than most places on earth, but is definitely not perfect. I've heard of that we turned people away when they saught refuge from various injustices and obvious danger. But that's a whole other topic which I should seek answers to when my head is not throbbing and my back is not aching. :)

Puffins Pummels Pancakes

Puffins Peanut Butter cereal is the best ceral on earth! Oh it is sooo delicious!

An effect of Korea 2-1-09

The other day I was getting on the elevator in my dentist's building when I saw a young woman getting out a mop and bucket. She was obviously part of the cleaning staff for the building. She looked Russian to me. She was pretty, but seemed to be on autopilot. She didn't look happy. In the parking lot, she walked slow and didn't seem to be in a rush to get to work.

I began to wonder if she felt the way I did in S. Korea or when I worked as a cleaning maid for a short time in NY. It's drudging work. I remember during the entire week I was a "maid", I went into huge, sterile houses and did what I percieved to be nothing. The houses were spotless. Why they had a cleaning service was beyond me. I sometimes wondered if the cleaning supplies themselves may possibly soil the houses I worked in. lol. It is mild torture to do something meaningless all...day...long. Does she feel that way? Does she dream of other things and sometimes allow despair to creep in? I know that's how I felt.

But I'm off the page. This woman I saw in the dentist's building was surely not from here. I want to ask her how she feels here. Is she happy with America so far? Are Americans cruel to her or do we take advantage of her the way some Koreans tried to take advantage of me when I was there? Does she ever feel as hopeless as I did there? I aim to solicit no pity here. I'm just observing my thoughts on this. Does she ever think the thoughts I thought in Korea? Does she have other Russian-Americans who can talk with her on a daily basis and who help her figure things out? Has her standard of living gone up or down since she made the choice to leave home? I wanted to ask her how welcome she feels here and how much opportunity she feels she has been graced with since her arrival. It matters to me now that I know what it feels like to be on the outside of a culture looking in.

Maybe I'll look at immigrant issues when I study social work.

I know my grandma was just happy to be here and she wanted her family to identify as "American". She went so far as to refuse to speak Italian in her household. She didn't want my dad to have an accent. Understandable. He just learned some...colorful words, but besides that he understands no Italian.

How easy and/or difficult is it for people who come to the US to make it home today?

I know that the family factor is huge. I used to wonder in Korea if I could ever make it a home. I just toyed with the idea. It was nothing serious since I feel that the US would be home no matter what its state of affairs. But I played with the idea and realized that I could never make the transition that I see others making unless my family was with me. How much does the family factor in to immigrant retention rates here? In other words, how much more likely are people willing to stake it out and deal with all the challenges of making a new country a home when their families are with them? My guess is that it affects it a lot. No matter how much opportunity and civil rights exist here, I can understand how some immigrants would still hesitate to remain here if their families could not be brought also. I wonder if it's a major issue (this seems to be a topic I'm woefully ignorant about).

Pop music trend 1-18-09

I've noticed a trend in pop music. Recently there have been a lot angry songs.
I've listened to at least 3 new pop songs in the car today that are about men who are angry at or who feel righteous idignation toward women who did not reciprocate love.

While I've been told that nothing is more painful than unreciprocated love, I also do not comprehend why these new angry songs are coming out. It's OK to be angry. It's not OK to believe that the responsibility for that anger lies in someone else. Ex: Kayne West's new song...

"I aint lovin youThe way i wanted toBut wat i had to do, had to run from youIm in love with you, but the vibe is wrongAnd that haunted me, all the way home
So u never know never never knowNever know enough til its over loveTil we lose control, system overloadScreamin no no no no
I aint lovin youThe way i wanted toSee i wanna moveBut cant escape from youSo i keep it low keep a secret codeSo anybody else dont have to know
So keep your love lockdownYour love lockdown (x3)So keep your love lockdownYou lose
I aint lovin youThe way i wanted toI cant keep my coolSo i keep it trueI guess im to loseSo i gotta moveI cant keep myself & still keep you too
So i keep in mind when im on my ownSomewhere far from homeIn the danger zoneHow many times did i take for it finally got throughYou lose, you lose
I aint lovin youThe way i wanted toSee i had to goSee i had to moveNo more wastin timeWe cant wait for lifeWe're just racin timeWhere's the finish line
So keep your love lockdownYour love lockdown (x3)So keep your love lockdownYou lose
I aint lovin youThe way i wanted to I bet no one knewI got no one newKnow i said im throughBut got love for youBut i aint lovin youThe way i want to
Gotta keep it goin keep the lovin goinKeep it all along?Only god knows if ill be with youBaby im confusedYou choose, you choose
I aint lovin youThe way i wanted toBut i got to goI dont need youIve been on this road too many times beforeI aint lovin you the way i wanted to
So keep your love lockdownYour love lockdown Keepin your love lockdownYour love lockdownKeepin your love lockdownYour love lockdownKeepin your love lockdownYou lose(x2)"

Music is one of the ways people deal with emotions. It is conceivable that this song would encourage men to blame others for their own emotions. This is not good for men. Being able to swallow one's own emotions and deal with them in healthy ways is a right of passage. These lyrics seem to want to place the blame on someone else by saying "You choose". No one can choose his emotions for him. Although he can dilude himself on that for awhile to numb the pain.

I can also see how it could slow down women. As if women didn't have enough guilt issues in a thoroughly misogynistic culture, this song may encourage women to feel guilty in yet another way. Now women get to feel guilty for not giving the men who are "in love with" them what they want (regardless of what that may be). Super.

Let's play devil's advocate and function under the assumption that since this is a form of musical expression, it must have some merit to it. How could the lyrics be interpretted in a positive way? It may be helpful because the singer at least aknowleges that he's not getting his way. But a tantrum is not supposed to last forever. At some point, he's going to have to do more than "move".

He says "I had to move" but in the next breath says "You choose". Now I'm "confused". lol.

From my diary in S. Korea 10-18-08

I discovered something unusual which is worth noting to someone besides myself.

I recognized it very recently.

Ever since I came to Korea, I’ve thought it was even uglier than New York City. Even on bright, clear days, I was depressed going outside because there seemed to be something wrong with the natural environment. It felt like it was made out of plastic…even the air. Nothing was raw and open. Even the trees seemed tamed (which was final straw). I couldn’t smell any plants, the flowers were unattractive (even annoying at times!). I found myself wanting to dead head perfectly healthy flowers because they were so ugly to me.

I went to a place with my manager and friend/coworker that was a high-end spa overlooking a river on a cliff. The sun was setting and the temperature was moderately warm as my friends and I sat in the outdoor hot tub on the deck. They were all awestruck by the beauty. That’s when I realized something was wrong with me. When I was out there, I felt strongly like I was in the 9th level of hell. I’m not exaggerating. I wanted to take the sun out of the sky and wash it to a cleaner color. I wanted to make the rocks on the cliff a deeper gray. I wanted to clean the air. Hell had crept up on me somehow.

I wanted to destroy the spa building because the spa seemed like such a waste. All these materials and all this electricity and plastic for what? Physical comfort in hell? What good is the physical comfort if the rest of me is in dis-ease? I was sitting in a place that I know with a practical mind, is extremely spacious and yet, I wanted to punch through the air and I had the distinct feeling of suffocating. I was claustrophobic on the edge of a huge cliff while looking at the sky?! Whaaaaat? Let me just reiterate that this was NOT a fun experience at all.

Even when I went to the top of a mountain with my coworker (where it should be very clean), it was unsatsfying and still too warm. I keep my windows open at night even when it’s freezing because I can’t cool down. I keep thinking that maybe if it were colder here, it wouldn’t be such an ugly place. It has cooled down and it’s not getting prettier. Every single day, walking outside is like this.

I have no taken joy in the natural environment for 7 months since I arrived here.

After noting the extreme differences between how others are responding to the natural environment here and how I respond to it, I see no other option except to admit that there’s a possibility that it’s psychological. This is soooo irrational and that’s why I never even considered it until these glaring inconsistencies revealed themselves in an undeniable way.

Something similar happened in NY. I went there, but I always felt like the environment was in agony. I looked at all the trees on the mountains as I jogged with despair wondering how long they would be there before people would start cutting them down also.
After last night’s realization, I have to wonder if maybe it wasn’t me who was in agony. Lol. I sound like a drama queen. Maybe I am. Lol.

Same thing when I first moved to Illinois when I was 12. I looked at the prairie and truly thought it was an imitation of land or that my feet were walking just slightly off the ground although common sense would tell me otherwise when I looked at my feet. I can't just dismiss it as a feeling because it didn't seem like a feeling. The prairie actually looked like it was an imitation to me.


I’m trying to focus on becoming less angry. I developed a lot more anger here. My body is stuck in the middle of it all and it has let me know. I’m not just grumpy, I’m angry all the time. Even when I’m laughing, the anger is simmering quietly underneath. I find myself just barely able to tolerate Koreans even though they have usually done nothing wrong! The fact that they’re all clones doesn’t help matters.

The more I thought about it last night, the more I realized that this phenomena is consistent with other things. For example, my parents’ food ALWAYS tastes better than mine. That’s totally irrational. I’ve even gone as far as to order the same meal as my mom in a restaurant, allow her one bite, and then swipe her plate for mine quickly so that I could have the food she had touched (needless to say, she got wise to this quickly and won’t order the same anymore). As I’m writing this, I almost cannot believe this.

I tried to figure it out one time. I asked my friend about it. She said that it’s because I love my mom. If that were the case, then why does my mom’s food taste better? I’ve never doubted the integrity of my senses, but this is taking the cake so to speak. Since I have no choice, but to rule out the possibility that maybe the ingredients in her food are somehow different or cooked at a different temp., I have to conclude that something which is not part of my senses is determining what my sense are sensing. Why else would impatiens in Korea be so ugly and impatiens in the back yard in the house in CT that my mom used to plant be beautiful (even though impatiens are not a particularly lovely flower to begin with!)?

If this is the case, and something else is determining this then there are questions.

1. How much of what my senses sense is actually independent of my emotions? What implications does that have for the way everyone is functioning right now? So far, I (and I’m pretty certain others) have functioned under the assumption that the senses have their own data which remains objective while the emotions are subjective.

2. Why do I not see that something is wrong until I sense it with my senses? If something is wrong with my emotions, then logically I should feel it there first right?

3. How on earth did my emotions gain dominance over my senses to such an extent?! This isn’t supposed to be possible.