I'm having a difficult time trying to maneuver a direction in my life.

I want to be a social worker for victims of domestic violence.

I also love music and stubbornly hold to the faint possibility that I can one day be successful in music. Strange. I don't want the lifestyle which comes with singing, but I love singing.

I plan to audition for American Idol in the summer.

My friend Anne says that Raphael is with me. I certainly hope so. Raphael helps people who are lost find direction. Deepak Chopra says there is a law of least resistance. In other words, Deepak believes that I'll do what I'm meant to do despite myself. That's very comforting. I certainly have to agree that my life hasn't turned out the way I planned when I was 5 years old, but I also can't say that I regret my past either. Everything had a reason and I wouldn't be the same without it. Still, I'm frustrated by the fact that I don't feel like I've reached my potential. That wears at me.

I've worked hard. I certainly cannot say that I am not some hugely successful singer or social worker yet due to lack of motivation or work ethic. I guess I'll lose the race with time in the end. Everyone loses that race eventually. Maybe it is wise to try not to race it if I know that I'll lose it. Maybe winning the race simply isn't the point.

I'll tell myself this so that I can stop wasting energy being upset and use more energy to be happy with my life no matter how "unsuccessful" I am. It just seems like a better alternative to be desperately unhappy for the rest of my life.

I'll always be in the working-towards-my-goals state. I just have trouble with the fact that something I love so much and am good at doesn't seem to be the thing I'm moving toward.

I married Brian Wettengel on October 11th, 2009.

I am very happy with him.



I want to put some lyrics in here that I love. They're a prayer to God set to music.

I Turn To You lyrics (as sung by Melanie C.)

When the world is darker than I can understand.
When nothing turns out the way I planned.
When the sky turns grey and there's no end in sight.
When I can't sleep through the lonely night.

I turn to you.
Like a flower leaning toward the sun.
I turn to you.
'Cos you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down.
I turn to you.

When my insides are wracked with anxiety.
You have the touch that will quiet me.
You lift my spirit.
You melt the ice.
When I need inspiration, when I need advice.

I turn to you.
Like a flower leaning toward the sun.
I turn to you.
'Cos you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down.
I turn to you.

Where would I be?
What would I do?
If you'd never helped me through.
I hope someday if you've lost your way.
You could turn to me like I turn to you.

I turn to you.
Like a flower leaning toward the sun.
I turn to you.
'Cos you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down.
I turn to you.

I turn to you.
Like a flower leaning toward the sun.
I turn to you.
'Cos you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down.
I turn to you.
I turn to you.
I turn to you.