Thoughts from UU Service on 2-15-09

During UU service today, I was thinking. One of the poems in the order of service was this one by Peter Mayer.

"In the ever-shifting water of the river of this life I was swimming, seeking comfort;
I was wrestling waves to find
A boulder I could cling to, a stone to hold me fast
Where I might let the fretful water of this river 'round me pass
And so I found an anchor, a blessed resting place
A trusty rock I called my savior, for there I would be safe
From the river and its dangers, and I proclaimed my rock divine
And I prayed to it "protect me" and the rock replied...

God is a river, not just a stone
God is a wild, raging rapids
And a slow, meandering flow
God is a deep and narrow passage
And a peaceful, sandy shoal
God is the river, swimmer
So let go

Still I clung to my rock tightly with conviction in my arms
Never looking at the stream to keep my mind from thoughts of harm
But the river kept on coming, kept on tugging at my legs
Till at last my fingers faltered, and I was swept away
So I'm going with the flow now, these relentless twists and bends
Acclimating to the motion, and a sense of being led
And this river's like my body now, it carries me along
Through the ever-changing scenes and by the rocks that sing this song"

I wanted to know the direction I should take because I was confused with where my life was going. A series of events which included lots of suffering convinced me that I should just give up and do the things that I feel will serve those who are suffering around me. I thought I had all these lofty cerberal ideas of what I would do with myself. Then I entered the world outside academia and POOF! That went out the window and I had to be face to face with the rest of the world outside the college much more often. I was concerned that I was in a world that was suffering so much that "higher endeavors" would have to wait until the suffering subsided a little. My life, talents, and energy would simply have to be used up on "fixing" all the brokeness around me. I lamented that maybe this is a "waste" and that the next generations might have more luck being able to focus on the really important stuff. I was mistaken when I thought that the suffering I had acknowledged since I was very young (like mental illness, lack of basic rights and liberties, violence in the home, lack of education) were things I couldn't do much about and that I was not meant to do anything about it because it is not where my exertise is.

My friend Rachel Stangle said that to be poor is a "priviledged" existence. While I find her statement to be a little bit funny, I also hear some truth in it. I think she was referring to suffering in general more than poverty itself. Suffering sucks. On the other hand, it is great at redirecting people to what's important and away from what's fake.

When I'm dealing with men and relationships, maybe I can let go and allow some suffering to happen. I've played it safe a lot up until recently. I don't like venturing into places that I can't read about. When I'm trying to love a guy, there aren't any books about him or manuals. There also aren't any books about me which will let me know exactly when I'm about to hurt my dumbass.

There have been times when I felt I had nothing else. I depended completely on others to shield me from what I thought might be the end of the world. When I meet those people, I realize that at the "end of the world" are people that I love. When my world was ending in NY, I found Anne Beck. Maybe if I let go myself be with all the fears, assumptions, and mistakes that I have about men, I'll find someone there also.

Of course, since I am starting to get to know someone. I naturally apply any and all information I can to what is going on with him. Last time I was with a guy, I was afraid of just letting myself feel stuff. I was always judging my emotions thinking that I should feel this way or that. And love is supposed to be this way or that. Now, I think that maybe it might be wise to just acknowledge all the assumptions and confusions I have about relationships and just allow it. I thought everyone was just figuring stuff out faster. Brian said something that made me aware that he's sometimes felt that way also. He said something like "I wondered what everyone else was 'getting' that I wasn't 'getting'". Everyone was dating and then there's me looking at it all with a very judgemental (and lonely) eye saying "Are you all on crack!?"

So, I see a challenge before me. I need to avoid the inclination to grab onto something solid or safe when I'm with someone I want to develop a relationship with. It seems so innocent when it's in words. When it's done though, it feels like the first time someone let go of me in the swimming pool while trying to get me to swim. Except for the fact that now I seem to be in the Grand Rapids and there are no flotation devices of any sort (except for carcasses that have been dead long enough to float back to the top).