From my diary in S. Korea 10-18-08

I discovered something unusual which is worth noting to someone besides myself.

I recognized it very recently.

Ever since I came to Korea, I’ve thought it was even uglier than New York City. Even on bright, clear days, I was depressed going outside because there seemed to be something wrong with the natural environment. It felt like it was made out of plastic…even the air. Nothing was raw and open. Even the trees seemed tamed (which was final straw). I couldn’t smell any plants, the flowers were unattractive (even annoying at times!). I found myself wanting to dead head perfectly healthy flowers because they were so ugly to me.

I went to a place with my manager and friend/coworker that was a high-end spa overlooking a river on a cliff. The sun was setting and the temperature was moderately warm as my friends and I sat in the outdoor hot tub on the deck. They were all awestruck by the beauty. That’s when I realized something was wrong with me. When I was out there, I felt strongly like I was in the 9th level of hell. I’m not exaggerating. I wanted to take the sun out of the sky and wash it to a cleaner color. I wanted to make the rocks on the cliff a deeper gray. I wanted to clean the air. Hell had crept up on me somehow.

I wanted to destroy the spa building because the spa seemed like such a waste. All these materials and all this electricity and plastic for what? Physical comfort in hell? What good is the physical comfort if the rest of me is in dis-ease? I was sitting in a place that I know with a practical mind, is extremely spacious and yet, I wanted to punch through the air and I had the distinct feeling of suffocating. I was claustrophobic on the edge of a huge cliff while looking at the sky?! Whaaaaat? Let me just reiterate that this was NOT a fun experience at all.

Even when I went to the top of a mountain with my coworker (where it should be very clean), it was unsatsfying and still too warm. I keep my windows open at night even when it’s freezing because I can’t cool down. I keep thinking that maybe if it were colder here, it wouldn’t be such an ugly place. It has cooled down and it’s not getting prettier. Every single day, walking outside is like this.

I have no taken joy in the natural environment for 7 months since I arrived here.

After noting the extreme differences between how others are responding to the natural environment here and how I respond to it, I see no other option except to admit that there’s a possibility that it’s psychological. This is soooo irrational and that’s why I never even considered it until these glaring inconsistencies revealed themselves in an undeniable way.

Something similar happened in NY. I went there, but I always felt like the environment was in agony. I looked at all the trees on the mountains as I jogged with despair wondering how long they would be there before people would start cutting them down also.
After last night’s realization, I have to wonder if maybe it wasn’t me who was in agony. Lol. I sound like a drama queen. Maybe I am. Lol.

Same thing when I first moved to Illinois when I was 12. I looked at the prairie and truly thought it was an imitation of land or that my feet were walking just slightly off the ground although common sense would tell me otherwise when I looked at my feet. I can't just dismiss it as a feeling because it didn't seem like a feeling. The prairie actually looked like it was an imitation to me.


I’m trying to focus on becoming less angry. I developed a lot more anger here. My body is stuck in the middle of it all and it has let me know. I’m not just grumpy, I’m angry all the time. Even when I’m laughing, the anger is simmering quietly underneath. I find myself just barely able to tolerate Koreans even though they have usually done nothing wrong! The fact that they’re all clones doesn’t help matters.

The more I thought about it last night, the more I realized that this phenomena is consistent with other things. For example, my parents’ food ALWAYS tastes better than mine. That’s totally irrational. I’ve even gone as far as to order the same meal as my mom in a restaurant, allow her one bite, and then swipe her plate for mine quickly so that I could have the food she had touched (needless to say, she got wise to this quickly and won’t order the same anymore). As I’m writing this, I almost cannot believe this.

I tried to figure it out one time. I asked my friend about it. She said that it’s because I love my mom. If that were the case, then why does my mom’s food taste better? I’ve never doubted the integrity of my senses, but this is taking the cake so to speak. Since I have no choice, but to rule out the possibility that maybe the ingredients in her food are somehow different or cooked at a different temp., I have to conclude that something which is not part of my senses is determining what my sense are sensing. Why else would impatiens in Korea be so ugly and impatiens in the back yard in the house in CT that my mom used to plant be beautiful (even though impatiens are not a particularly lovely flower to begin with!)?

If this is the case, and something else is determining this then there are questions.

1. How much of what my senses sense is actually independent of my emotions? What implications does that have for the way everyone is functioning right now? So far, I (and I’m pretty certain others) have functioned under the assumption that the senses have their own data which remains objective while the emotions are subjective.

2. Why do I not see that something is wrong until I sense it with my senses? If something is wrong with my emotions, then logically I should feel it there first right?

3. How on earth did my emotions gain dominance over my senses to such an extent?! This isn’t supposed to be possible.