I'm having a difficult time trying to maneuver a direction in my life.

I want to be a social worker for victims of domestic violence.

I also love music and stubbornly hold to the faint possibility that I can one day be successful in music. Strange. I don't want the lifestyle which comes with singing, but I love singing.

I plan to audition for American Idol in the summer.

My friend Anne says that Raphael is with me. I certainly hope so. Raphael helps people who are lost find direction. Deepak Chopra says there is a law of least resistance. In other words, Deepak believes that I'll do what I'm meant to do despite myself. That's very comforting. I certainly have to agree that my life hasn't turned out the way I planned when I was 5 years old, but I also can't say that I regret my past either. Everything had a reason and I wouldn't be the same without it. Still, I'm frustrated by the fact that I don't feel like I've reached my potential. That wears at me.

I've worked hard. I certainly cannot say that I am not some hugely successful singer or social worker yet due to lack of motivation or work ethic. I guess I'll lose the race with time in the end. Everyone loses that race eventually. Maybe it is wise to try not to race it if I know that I'll lose it. Maybe winning the race simply isn't the point.

I'll tell myself this so that I can stop wasting energy being upset and use more energy to be happy with my life no matter how "unsuccessful" I am. It just seems like a better alternative to be desperately unhappy for the rest of my life.

I'll always be in the working-towards-my-goals state. I just have trouble with the fact that something I love so much and am good at doesn't seem to be the thing I'm moving toward.